


sickened in the sun

by Hauno



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 18:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13957437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hauno/pseuds/Hauno
Summary: in which yuno's depression almost gets the best of her.





	sickened in the sun

yuno wakes up, pulls herself out of bed, gets ready for the day, and then goes back, and sits in her bed, for at least another thirty minutes.

 

maybe more than thirty minutes.

 

thirty minutes quickly turns into hours.

 

she stares, blankly, or stares at her phone, for hours straight.

 

sometimes she just doesn’t want to do anything. sometimes the days feel weird. sometimes it feels like her lungs are caving in, and her body is being crushed from the inside out. sometimes there’s a fire inside of her, and it’s so, so hot that it makes her nauseous. sometimes she’s cold. mind-numbingly cold. sometimes

 

she just doesn’t want to wake up.

 

waking up is like taking a kick to the chest. there’s just things that yuno doesn’t want to deal with.

 

she’s not strong like hecate.

 

yuno’s feelings are like a hurricane of colors; mixing together until they turn into a smoky gray. indescribable. and it hurts.

 

and sometimes, she just doesn’t care, because it’s what she deserves. or at least, she thinks she deserves.

 

words fall out of her mouth and don’t stop. she says things to someone _so_ important to her that she doesn’t mean.

 

she says it because she knows - or thinks - no, no, she knows, that person can do better.

 

maybe that person doesn’t even care.

 

because she’s childish and immature and still acts like a baby and can’t take care of herself. because she doesn’t want to.

 

he’s so, so, so, so, so distant. he wasn’t always like this. he used to care; he used to at least try to make it seem like he cared.

 

and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts like a knife stabbing through her skull and her ribs being pulled apart one by one and her lungs exploding because he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care and he was all that she ever put her strength into and he was absolutely everything and now -

 

he doesn’t care. he doesn’t. and it kills her.

 

he’s reassured her. even if they argue sometimes, even if it doesn’t seem like it, he cares. he’s told her. but he doesn’t, he doesn’t, he doesn’t, and he never did, and he never will, and he used her and used her and used her and used her and used her and used her and used her and used her and-

 

he’ll be fine without her.

 

and that hurts, and she wishes that somehow he wouldn’t be, that somehow he still could find it in him to love her, and she would do anything for that.

 

she wants him to hurt her, to hurt her like she’s hurt him and to make it equal and fair and to make everything go away and to make it all better again, he just has to hurt her to hurt her to hurt her to hurt her to hurt her

 

she’s convinced herself that there isn’t any other way. there isn’t any other way to fix it. there isn’t any way to get better. she’ll never get better. he’ll never get better.

 

she knows it and she can’t cope. she can’t even find a way to let her emotions out. nothing works. nothing works nothing works nothing works. nothing. she tried everything healthy. she tried everything unhealthy. nothing works.

 

yuno didn’t want zero to see the somewhat fresh scars on her left arm. she tried. she tried multiple times. he noticed once, and it didn’t end well, and now she doesn’t want to go to him, she doesn’t want to tell him that she’s hurt herself.

 

it doesn’t work for her, anyways. she doesn’t know why she keeps doing it. maybe if she tries and tries and tries and tries again and again and again it’ll work, because it works for him.

 

because everything bad works for him.

 

but nothing works for her. nothing. nothing. nothing.

it’s empty and dark and cold inside of her mind and she can’t figure out what to do. everything feels blank. blank. empty.

 

she wants to go home. this isn’t the place for her. this was never the place for her.

 

yuno liked tying knots. it was something lucille taught her when she was younger. tie a knot and then pull it apart for every problem that she has. she learned to tie them well.

 

so tying the knot of a noose wasn’t any issue.

 

hanging it up wasn’t any issue.

 

wheeling over her chair wasn’t any issue.

 

standing on it and contemplating -

 

that was an issue.

 

who would take care of ryan when she had her own bouts of depression with no one to go to?

 

who would take care of haku at three in the morning, hold back her hair and pet her back and tell her that it’s alright?

 

who would take care of rito, late at night when kuroha was passed out, and he was a drunk, sniveling mess all over the floor?

 

who would take care of solstice when shinta didn’t want to?

 

who would take care of lady grey?

 

…

 

…

 

who would be there for zero other than her?

 

well, maybe a lot of people. he’s a good person. he’s good. he’s all that’s good in this godforsaken world.

 

but...

 

yuno just can’t abandon everyone else. she can’t. so she unties the noose; moves back her chair and apologizes, quietly, under her breath, even though it’ll never be heard, and she tosses the rope back into her closet, because maybe, just maybe, one day she’ll have the courage - the selfishness to do it.

 

…

 

maybe.

 

but for now, she’ll go on, forcing herself to take it day by day, because maybe, just maybe, things will get better.


End file.
